Unemployment & End of Year Celebration = Suffering

Suffering?

Isn't Christmas suppose to be a time of peace and happiness? I mean,
all these commercialized nonsense of buying things for your loved ones
is soooooo... materialistic. But who am I kidding? With the sale
fever going on from Boxing Day; I want in on the action!! I spent the
last 2-3 days shopping with my girlfriend and all these urges to
splurge were held back mainly because I didn't have the money to do
so!

I for one, WISH that around this time of the year, I can carry on as
normal... but of course, "society" places upon me a "duty" to
celebrate and take a break and spend! Afterall its the hard to pass
up End of Year sale!!

But then, I am financially unstable. I'm actually living from
hand-to-mouth and each month I barely make it through with enough
money. I work at one casual job and putting in maybe 20-30 hours a
week.

"So why don't you work more?"

I get asked this question quite often. Well, that's because I make
time to devote myself to my own Buddhist activities. I have
responsibilities that I took upon myself because I actually, truly
want to strive for kosen-rufu. To me, kosen-rufu occurs anywhere,
anytime. It is actually the process of me, striving to understanding
AND practicing the ONENESS of mentor and disciple spirit. The process
is none other than undergoing my "Human Revolution."

I guess my current challenge in my life right now is to have a sense
of purpose in life. I've actually "lost" my purpose recently in these
past few December weeks. Before, I've been regularly chanting
consistently morning and evening with the support of other members.
But when I decided to leave this support; in a sense to re-determine
to DIY my practice without these supports, I find myself struggling.
And it was all downhill since I started out on my own DIY practice
adventure.

The lesson I learnt? Determination is important - but action is the
key. Another lesson/point I've just realized is that in this practice
of Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, it isn't easy; nor is it for you to attempt to
isolate and practice in solace. It is a very engaging practice where
the success of it depends on how much you can put in and at the same
time help others in succeeding in this practice.

I've found myself to be a great self-motivator, but a really crappy
'action' man. So coming back to my 'suffering' around Christmas time.
Well, honestly, I just want a stable job that can get me financial
security and at the same time allow me to grow both as a person and
intellectually. I want to be able to carry out my SGI activities
without worrying how I am suppose to pay the rent each month...

There is so many "I want..." things in my life and I sometimes think
why I don't actually put myself to start chanting and putting action
towards these things? It's not that I don't do so, but I don't work
for these whole-heartedly... I guess?? Hmmmm....

So at the end of all this rambling... (which was very cathartic
actually) I shall make a note for myself:

1> Take action
2> Chant before you do so
3> Do it wholeheartedly!!

P.S. I managed to splurge on a $2 Vodafone SIM pack, a $19.95 music
stand, $90 Quilt cover (it has 300 thread counts!! Very soft!!), and
some more which I don't care to remember because already I'm weeping
at the condition of my finances and my VERY light wallet.