Detracted...

Been feeling abit 'off-track' in the last few weeks. Uni has stopped and I'm on holidays. Got bored pretty quickly within the next few days (this was about the 18th November). Anyways started to look for things to do with my spare time... ended either lying about procrastinating from doing housework or watching anime/J-drama.

Talking about downloading, I got myself 3 J-dramas over the last 3 days... was trying to use up my internet quota. They were Good Luck!, Summer Snow, and High School Teacher. But after burning them, I didn't feel like watching them... well, except Good Luck! because I started the 1st episode and couldn't stop after that... hehehe...

I have a 'tv' problem - I'm an addict. I wonder if they have 'tv-anonymous' meetings?? It seems that if I don't watch something I find that there's nothing worth doing anymore... hmmm...

Results came out today... not too good, not too bad. I got "High Distinction" for my General Science Method B, "Distiction" for my Biology Method B, and "Credit" for both my Designing Multiliteracies and Communities of Practice. Well, I'm really happy about my Method classes as that was the field that I chose to work in, but the theorectical educational stuff from my two core classes is a bit disconcerting to me... but then again I was doing 2nd semester stuff without prior knowledge of 1st semester stuff as I am a mid-year intake - that's my excuse ^.^

Anyways, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before (couldn't be bothered scrolling down to read what I've written hehehe...) but I'm voluteering as a tutor for New Hope Foundation Inc @ their Refugee Resource Centre in Footscray. Been there tutoring since last week every Tuesday and Thursday from 4pm - 6pm. So if you wanna see the "Great Teacher Vic" at work, pop into the office! (hahaha...)

But despite all these activities on top of my regular SGI meetings, I'm feeling lost and without direction. Compound it with the absence of my gf, someone whom I really love and miss a lot right now... it's almost unbearable.

And then I do the most stupidest thing... I get too close to another girl and I develop feelings for her... well, not really feelings, maybe I over interact with the other person to replace my feelings of loneliness from my gf. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be unfaithful to my gf or anything like that... in fact nothing has happened at all, it's just that I've develop some type of emotion towards this other girl. When you spend so much time with another girl, you'll naturally start to feel... I guess, wierd.

I forced myself to chant a lot just the other day to sort out my thoughts and feelings. It's wrong... I don't think it's love, I think it's more a feeling of lust. I miss LY a lot... and just the other day I called her. Well, yesterday I called her. And I'm glad I did.

When I heard her voice, my heart skipped a bit; it was as if it was the first time I met and fell head over heels with her. I suddenly realized how much I miss her... I thought I just missed her... but actually I REALLY miss her times "countless kalpas"

I just wanted to listen to her talk, but didn't have anything in my head to carry a conversation. The voice was so sweet... oh how I love her so... geez... I don't even know what I'm typing!! ^.^

Anyways, I know she reads this blog and I don't want her to worry, I'm still faithful to her... the feelings for the other girl, well I have to be honest and say it is still lingering, BUT it is substantially less; to me now, it is a residual feeling that probably go away after today... In fact, I HAVE sorted out my feelings and I realized that it is all for her, for LY.

I guess this shows how weak I am... maybe. I don't know... all I know that this 'weakness' of mine will get me into trouble if I don't transform it. Is my heart so easily detracted/derailed?? Even recently I question my motivation/love towards LY. Am I worthy of her? All I know is that I don't want to let her go... no, it's not possessiveness or greed or pride; for some reason I know I am suppose to be by her side - I am uncertain, yes, but beside her I feel the happiest, safest and secure.

Writing here in this blog is quite therapeutical, but at the same time I didn't really want to let LY know about what I am going through. But I really want to be open with her so that she can trust me 100%... I guess in return, I do hope I'll be able to trust her 100% - but the pains from the past still lingers on... I'm chanting so that our relationship will be rock solid and full of trust.

Funny, I can't really say thing to her in person, but I can through this blog medium. Don't know why I'm so open today - practically letting everyone know what I am feeling.

Ok, enough misery - today is another day of a new week. I've got tons of stuff on my schedule to do... holidays?? don't think so... hehehe.. ^.^